Innuendo and Outuendo
by starspangledpumpkin
Summary: Newt is often searching for his Niffler. That is not a euphemism for anything.


**Wigtown Wanderers**

**Chaser 1**

**Prompt: Write about a canonly virtuous/innocent character resisting temptation**

**Additional Prompts: 1. (genre) humor, 12. (creature) Niffler, 14. (dialogue) "If I had a Knut everytime … said that."**

**Word Count: 1,031**

**Stacked With: Quidditch League; MC4A; Snicket Fence**

**Challenges: Hufflepuff MC; Short Jog (N); Click Bait It (Y); Neurodivergent (N); Quiet Time (Y)**

**Secondary: Fizzy Lemonade; Machismo**

**Bonus: Autistic character with difficulties peopling**

~o0o~

Newt had been around the entire world finding and studying creatures great and small, yet none had ever given him as much trouble as the Niffler, not even when the Demiguise stole his pants. His Niffler, fondly known as Barnaby and irritably known as "pilfering pest", always seemed to be getting into trouble. That creature could sense something shiny from a mile away and, while the chases often led to something interesting, Newt could grow rather tired of it.

It was more or less one of those days, when Barnaby had escaped from his suitcase in pursuit of some street musicians. Newt did not want to find out if the Niffler could fit a tuba down his pouch and went off in pursuit. Unfortunately, something even shinier had caught the creature's attention and he abandoned the musicians for it.

Newt didn't pay any attention to his surroundings as he bowled over passersby and avoided cars and horses. He didn't notice when he turned a corner and all the shops had changed their wares significantly and scantily clad people hung around in door frames.

After a bit of traffic, he lost sight of Barnaby and looked around.

"Lost, darling?" a woman called from a doorway. She wore heavy makeup and her brown hair was piled high on her head.

"A bit, yes," said Newt, scanning the area. "But first I need to find what I'm looking for."

"Looking for something in particular?"

"A Niffler."

She raised an eyebrow, but smiled. "Well, that's one I never heard before. I think we can help you if you describe it to us."

"Oh, that would be brilliant, thank you!"

He entered the shabby building and looked at the beaded upholstery with interest. They were so brightly colored and he rather liked it. The place was empty, but there were women in pretty dresses sitting at tables or mixing beverages for each other. It must've been some kind of house and they were all roommates.

"You're not from around here," the woman noted.

"No, I'm not. I'm from England. I'm doing research abroad for a year."

"Interesting. Now, is 'Niffler' English?"

"Yes. Er- I don't believe I caught your name."

"Satin."

"Newt." He shifted his suitcase to his other hand so he could offer a handshake.

She laughed, though he wasn't sure what was funny, and shook his hand.

Newt fixated on her earring. It was a chandelier type. One that Leta always claimed she would wear as a grown-up. She would probably love the ones Satin was wearing. They were shiny with opals. In fact, lots of the women in here were wearing shiny jewelry. The exact type a Niffler would be after.

"Well, follow me Newt," said Satin. "We'll figure out this Niffler thing, we're slow this time of day so you can meet the girls."

"Thank you, so very much." Newt followed her upstairs. There was a heavy smell of perfume in the air.

As they walked along a corridor connected to the stairs, Satin would open a door where a woman would be lounging the bed. Satin would ask about the Niffler and Newt would scan the room for grey fur.

"Yeah, I'll Niffler. Whatever that is," said Aphrodite.

Newt set his suitcase down and looked under the bed. No Niffler. He opened the wardrobe next and scanned the articles made of fur.

"He seems tense," Aphrodite commented.

"Yeah, but he's cute," said Satin.

Newt did a double-take on a fur hat, swearing that it moved. He narrowed his eyes and picked it up. Hats didn't breathe. He turned it over and saw the tan snout and beady eyes of Barnaby.

"There you are!" he said and turned around. "I found my Niffler— oh, dear."

Aphrodite had disrobed and was standing in just her knickers and jewelry.

"That's a Niffler?" she said.

"It looks like a platypus," Satin commented.

Barnaby sniffed the air and reached for Aphrodite's necklace. Newt pulled him back. "Paws off."

"A Niffler is an animal," said Aphrodite. "I thought it was something…else."

"Me too," said Satin.

It was dawning on Newt just what type of establishment he walked into and he needed to defuse the awkwardness.

"If I had a Knut every time someone said that," Newt mused, "I would have two Knuts."

The women stared at him.

"Yeah, I sure hope you do!" said Aphrodite incredulously.

"What as opposed to the usual three?" said Satin.

Aphrodite threw her head back and cackled.

Newt laughed, too, though he wasn't sure what was funny. He trailed off.

"So, er, I take it this place is…some sort of…"

"Brothel?"

He nodded.

"Oh, you sweet summer child," said Aphrodite. "Just relax. We'll make a man out of you."

While Newt knew what sex was, he never could pick up on the slang or lingo. His roommates often passed around pictures of scantily clad or even fully nude women, but he didn't partake. It didn't feel right. He had also hoped his first time would be with someone he loved and he was going to keep that.

"I appreciate the offer," he said. "I-I'll pay you for your time, but I'm not ready for that step."

"Can't argue with that," said Satin.

"You can keep whatever the Niffler has," said Newt. "I'm sure some of it is yours anyway."

"Excuse me?"

Newt turned the Niffler over and dumped out a pile of jewels, gold bars, and coins from various areas. Satin and Aphrodite gaped at the spectacle.

"Goodbye," said Newt. "Thank you."

Certain he was redder than a strawberry, Newt saw himself out and kept walking until he passed the bars and sex shops by. He leaned against a wall and took a slow, deep breath. In this experience, it occurred to him that he should have obliviated Aphrodite and Satin, but he was so flustered that he hadn't thought about it. He just wanted to remove himself from the situation. Next time, he wouldn't be so careless.

"And you," he said to Barnaby. "You need to stop running away and stealing things that don't belong to you."

Barnaby stared at him and they both knew full well it would happen again.


End file.
